Petrino gave me a bath last weekend. As hot as that sounds to everyone, it was actually a traumatizing experience for me. These things happen. I’ve been through my fair share of pain, but watching Anthony Smith waltz around the octagon as if he still has “it” is about as low as I’ve ever gotten, truly. As low as it fucking gets. Petrino just wide-eyed coming to grips with the fact he is human. I cried a little. Man cry sometime. Not always tough guy. Probably the first negative feeling I’ve internalized in over a decade. But I won’t take my pain and force it on to my brother. No, I’ll fight the wheel that will ultimately crush me. We’ve got arguably the biggest whale of all time this week. My head is ready to go in the fan. This catch is pushing Diego Lopes numbers. Bigger probably. Big money on this card all around, really. I love my dirty fight nights. I love the dogs. Directed rage in STL. My makeup is smeared while I kick about on the linoleum bathroom. There’s still a notepad at my feet, don’t forget. And one of those cell phones from the store with the neon lights and loud music.
Aldrich vs. Hardy
Judge a book by its cover. You know what I mean? Judge a book by its cover. WMMA analysis. JJ Aldrich ML 5% of my cash.
Johnson vs. Hadley
Plus-aholic. Bark bark. Maybe 125 isn’t that bad of a weight class, I don’t know. I’m betting on the guy who has upset me before, badly. This guy surprised me with his professionalism and I have to give him the respect he deserves. Johnson The Professional. Johnson ML 10% of the bank roll.
Goff vs. Waters
Live dog. Absolutely barking off the collar. This whole card is just loaded with Mike Vick’s pups. Absolute chompers on ‘em. Goff ML 5% of the scratch.
McKinney vs. Ribovics
I’m not going to stop, I already told you. T-Wrecks, man. Bark bark. I can’t believe this line, actually. Disrespect. I’m slamming a good 10% of my lana this weekend on McKinney ML. I don’t care about Ribovics…he’s Argentinian. I just don’t care what he has to do or say.
Hooper vs. Borschev
This is just a gimmicky fight. Both of these guys have a scent of un-seriousness - especially Slava Clause (such a stupid fucking nickname). I probably won’t bet on this much but I like Borschev simply because Hooper is an American softy. Yeah, I’m also slightly addicted to guys with terrible nicknames. Regardless, Americans just don’t know how to deal with guys who grew up around human rights atrocities. If your parent’s combined gross income was above 75k/year USD growing up - don’t even look at me to pick you in a fight. Don’t even smell the same air as me. You’re gonna break with time.
Cortes-Acosta vs. Despaigne
*Whale sounds.* *Continued.* *Continued.* *Men frantically pacing on a ship’s deck yelling commands.* *A massive shadow looms in the black mist.* *Cut to black.* This line is the definition of suspicious behavior by Vegas and…I don’t care at all. I don’t care that 97% of the public money has been on Despaigne. I don’t care that the line is still only -250 at the time of writing this (or so - all the lines have been jumpy this card) despite that fact. I don’t care that everything says there will be a curveball to this fight (look at me making puns involving fighter’s past). This line has been a catastrophe from the start (opened at -166 Despaigne) and I’m not taking a bath this week - even if it’s with Petrino. One of the biggest bets I’ve ever made. I’m ready to die ass out. This is a shit coin waiting to be pumped and dumped. You know this. No nacimos pa semilla. I’ll end up mangled in some Saab out in the Croatian countryside anyway. I know this, so my head goes in the fan. Despaigne ML+TKO/KO/DQ is 40% of my flesh.
Caceres vs. Woodson
I don’t want to bet this fight but the line is too enticing. 5% on Caceres ML. I’m gonna regret just giving money away but at this point it’s kinda fun to lose money on Seans (especially the Martian man in his home town).
Ferreira vs. Rebecki
Can’t bet this fight seriously but I’ve been saying for a while that Rebecki gets heat checked. At a certain point, someone figures out how to time all those power shots and keeps range to beat him. Ferreira won’t do that but it’s worth $20 on his TKO/KO/DQ at +1100.
Menifield vs. Ulberg
Handsome squidward strikes again. I haven’t seen a reasonable line on Ulberg…ever, I think. I bet his TKO/KO/DQ with a bit of my money this Saturday. Menifield is good and he’s not dumb, but Ulberg has two weapons (calf kick and body kick) that I see causing problems in Menifield’s rhythm. It could easily be a decision win for Ulberg so I have parlays out there with him, Despaigne, and Lewis. Ulberg please don’t do this to me back to back weekends. I have my guys and it’s not fun seeing them lose.
Buckley vs. Ruziboev
I’m so nervous to write about this fight. Not because it’s an incredibly even contest, but because I think the emotions around this fight, regardless of the result, will leave me shitting my pants. Nursy, sweet, inbred prince. You captured my heart after you cheated and dismantled Sedriques Dumas. Rocking the funny hat and all. It’s pathetic but I put close to 10% of my money this card on you just because you’re a cheater and look like something that is close to being human, yet, so far away at the same time. I don’t care that Buckley is fighting in front of the hood in STL. That should tell you how strongly I feel about Ruziboev. Nursy becomes one of Ferguson’s own on Saturday. We’re on the outside looking in. Ruziboev ML 10%.
Lewis vs. Nascimento
Ridiculous line in a way. I’m only putting 15% of my money on Lewis as of now, but it certainly might be more come Saturday. I don’t get these lines and that does make me worried. This Saturday is the definition of bravery. It just is. Take me to deep oceans, I float anywhere, brotha. We go 1 on 1 I’m in the zone right now. This not smart for you, brotha.