UFC 268: USMAN VS. COVINGTON
Yes, fuck me, I know, I didn’t write about 267 last week and it was a banging card. I’ve been moving at another speed this last month and *big sigh* I can’t keep up with myself. I am the crack that things keep slipping through. Pity me but don’t pity me. You feel? I just can’t complain.
A little recap of 267 is merited. Chimaev said he wanted to kill everyone and it looks like he will at 170. He’s had ONE significant strike landed on him since making his debut in the UFC. In that time he’s stopped 4 opponents all within the first round. Those are absurd metrics that we’ve never seen before. Makhachev reminded the world why the last minute bets on Hooker were absolute nonsense. Ragdolled him and submitted the Hangman in the 2nd round. Only top 5 guys for Islam now, please. I’ve been saying it all year, this guy needs a title shot by next summer. Allah Akbar. Next, Yan and Sandhagen had themselves a proper stand and bang fest. Sounds kinda hot, wink. But yes, the pressure Yan puts forward is monstrous. You could hit the guy with an aluminum bat and he would just walk through that shit. Not to mention his boxing and takedown defense are as beautiful as an original Rembrandt. Because I’ve seen one of those. The sweeps, the blocking, I just wanna kiss him. Muah to you, you crazy, Russian king of the Bantamweight division. Really let my emotions go there I guess. And lastly, Jan found out that Polish power has no answers for Brazilian torque. Maybe he forgot that Glover is from the land of the anacondas, the deep amazons, the Minas Gerais. Mr. Glover Teixeira, a man over 40 years of age, used his old man strength to constrict and tighten around Blachowicz. Anacondas are beautiful.. A wondrous submission in the second round to finally give Glover that LHW title he’s so badly been pining after. Living legend and he’s fought the toughest of the baddest of the gnarliest.
Now, for some UFC 268 preview talk we will start out with the people’s main event: Justin Gaethje versus Michael Chandler. Someone’s getting KTFO. That’s all there is to it. These guys are the epitome of, “well, the worst he can do is knock me out, so yeah, I’ll fight whenever.” Absolute junk yard dogs the both of them. They keep talking about which one of the two will take a step back and it just makes me so excited. I can totally see these two just plodding in the middle of the octagon and exchanging until someone’s lights go out. Fuck the wrestling, fuck the distance, they’re just gonna let those hands go. Really, really hard to pick a winner but I think Gaethje gets the job done as long as he stays patient. Whitman has been drilling that mindset into the highlight reel and I think it’s what marks the difference in this fight. Respect to Chandler but I think he still has some growing to do in the UFC. It’s just a different level of competition. Gaethje by TKO. Frankie Edgar and Marlon Vera face off to see who will end up fighting TJ or Aldo. That’s my best guess even though this division is stacked and still getting sorted out with the Yan and Sterling rematch. I think Marlon carefully pieces Frankie apart. I think Frankie has too much stacked against him. He was knocked out recently in brutal fashion and he’s now reached the 40 year milestone. I like Marlon in this one by decision. “I’m the best, I’m the best.” Fuck it gives me chills thinking about Thug Rose hyping herself up before landing that overhead kick on Zhang Weili. So unpredictable, so technical. Just a masterpiece. Unfortunately, I think Zhang Weili is gonna need that belt back. We forget how imposing and dominant Zhang Weili.
was in all of her fights prior to losing. I think she will smother Thug Rose early and prevent her from being explosive. She will take her into the championship rounds and finish her. Hate that that’s my gut feeling but it is. Love you, Rose. Lastly, my god, it’s finally here, there has been talks of ducking, crazy talks of respect — THE NIGERIAN NIGHTMARE AND CHAOS REMATCH! I’m gonna shit my pants, seriously. These guys despise each other and I can’t help falling victim to Colby’s attention grabbing antics. The Bang Energy plugs, the EPO accusations, the payroll girls all around him, it’s just great entertainment. I think that, weirdly enough, these guys will be more ferocious the second time around fighting. As incredible as that first fight was, I think this will be more violent. They’re gonna come out ready to put each other in the grave and I think that’s exactly what will happen. Someone is going to come out too fired up and they will get caught. My heart says Colby but my mind says Usman. Gonna have to go with my mind and Trevor Whitman’s pupil — Usman by KO.
NFL PICKS
Raiders at Giants: Might as well open up with this matchup considering all the tragedy that surrounds it. Not even three weeks after the Raiders and that “piece of shit” Gruden part ways, Henry Ruggs goes out and kills a woman of 23 years of age while driving drunk at 156mph. Fuck me, life is sad. Even with all the opportunities and resources that an NFL player has at their disposal, some still find ways to hurt others in the most avoidable fashion. Get an Uber, call a friend, sleep it off, just don’t drive. Tragic and avoidable. The Raiders still pull out the win. I like this interim head coach. There’s something about special teams guys that gets the boys out of their seats.
Falcons at Saints: Jameis is out for the year. ACLs are a joke of a ligament. I haven’t had one now for 6 months and I feel like I can zip a few out on the gridiron. I'm playing, I’m a little bitch. Falcons are also going through a bit of a horror show themselves with Ridley’s mental health struggles. All the love and respect for him while he goes through this journey. Just hope he finds what he’s looking for mentally. Saints run the ball 30 times and win in a close one.
Bills at Jaguars: Oh wow, I really wonder how this one goes. It would be fun to see the Jags put up a fight but I doubt it, seriously heheh. Bills wreck the Jags badly.
Browns at Bengals: OBJ is a fraaaaud. Capital F, fraud. I think they’ll just cut him. Too much IG, too little hands. The Bengals are weird this year. They can be the best team in the league whenever they turn it on, but it seems like they can’t control that. It’s one of those teams that just needs that last little mental piece. Bengals win in what I think will be a narrowly disputed contest.
Patriots at Panthers: Pats defense baby. It’s coming alive in terms of the front 4. Bill is bringing the pressure as always. Coaching matters so much in the NFL. Panthers could come alive with CMC back in the mix although who knows if that happens. Hamstring injuries are tough. Patriots get the dub.
Broncos at Cowboys: I can’t believe in the Broncos offense. With the loss of Von Miller on defense, it just seems like things will only get sloppier. Cowboys should rest Dak because this shouldn’t be that tough of a matchup. Boys win by a touchdown plus.
Vikings at Ravens: Both teams fresh off a bye. Ravens went ahead and pooped themselves against the Bengals. Hit me like a bus. Vikings can battle it out with the best of them. I like that. Lamar is a winner so don’t worry about him still pulling out the win.
Texans at Dolphins: Does a deal get locked up in south beach? Will the FBI be there to mediate? Questions. Bad defenses. Mills is aight. I guess I was right. Tua is always banged up. You’re either hurt or injured in this league. I think Dolphins pull a dub out in what could be a nice little game if both offenses can keep the chains moving.
Chargers at Eagles: Birds make this a game. I just wanted to write that but perhaps. Jalen just finds solutions. I still believe in the Chargers and Herbie fully loaded. True king of LA. Chargers by 3.
Packers at Chiefs: Rodgers, just like that, huh? I was just buying in. You thought the greaser look gave you an edge, now look at you. I can’t take myself seriously. JRE is reaching our beloved NFL. We need a therapy group for reeling ex fans. Hard realities. Rodgers, you're still a great football player and person. What do I know. Chiefs win… Chiefs win. Great.
Cardinals at 49ers: Garoppolo put it all out there for the team. Good, tough runs from inside the red zone for some tubs. Goddamn, Jimmy. I’m seeing something in you. Cards sputtered against the Pack but that will only embolden Kyler. That’s my feeling. He’s still fragile but his playmaking is so high end. Cardinals win. That’s all I can tell.
Titans at Rams: Sad faces everywhere because King Henry won’t be able to set records. Don’t worry, King, we know you’re all time. Cold player. He will bounce back. Rams have a bottomless pit of money. Stan Kroenke the great. Rams are clear NFC from runners if you ask me. Coopito. Rams win by 10.
Bears at Steelers: Bears defense is right there. Right fucking there. High level. The Steelers are making it work on the ground. Would not recommend trading Najee early in the season in fantasy. You’d have to be a real dummy, right? Like just mud pie for brains. Like shoot them in the head dumb. Steelers win in the Iron City.