NFL PICKS
Saints at Titans: It’s time to start talking about coach Vrabel as a top 5 HC in the league. To go from losing King Henry to beating the fucking Rams all within a week should be attributed to nothing else besides great coaching. Fundamentals, fundamentals, fundamentals. Just like Kobe taught us. The Saints are hard to watch without Brees. Alvin is that guy but he just can’t find that many pockets of greatness due to defenses keying in on him. To make matters worse, it’s Alvin who looks like he won’t play this weekend, so, yeah, Titans win by a tuddy.
Bills at Jets: The Bills are a goddamn joke after what happened last week and this league is a horror show in terms of guessing results. Talk about parity for Christ sake. Even if I have trust issues towards the Bills, I think they have to pull out a win. Right? *looks to the skies* RIGHT!? It’s the Jets…who knows, I certainly don’t anymore. Final push of the season should be a madhouse business. Bills win in a blowout but I can’t trust them, just saying.
Lions at Steelers: I think this is the upset matchup of the week. Punch me in the mouth please but all I see is: over confident Steelers at home against the lowly Lions who are still winless but coming off a bye. I don’t think the Lions are as bad as their record says and there’s something that tells me they come out of the bye week looking for some competition. I’ve also been saying this, so, yeah im a moron. I don’t know. I just have this feeling that these Lions just want to compete. The Steelers are without a couple of pieces and I feel like they get caught lacking. I’m going against everything that I know about myself and my own sense of intellect here, Lions by three.
Jaguars at Colts: Urban is officially part of bro folklore forever. The guy just keeps pulling these little rabbits out of the hat and they all seem to magnify coach Meyer’s success in having a complete lack of shame. Last week saved him his job this season and continued to grow the trust his boys have in him. The Jags are bad and they’ll lose this week, but be careful with Sacksonville in the near future.
Buccaneers at Washington: Both teams coming off a bye. The only way this game is competitive is if the FedEx field curse hits Tom. The play in the secondary will get better for the Bucs and I see them easily handling the WFT. Not much to this one.
Browns at Patriots: I want to say that Mayfield goes off for over 300 yards and three all purpose touchdowns. I want to say that so badly, but I can’t. Baker has fire and he’s got moxie and I’m sure the Odell thing has pissed him off. That being said, he’s not that guy in terms of just lighting the scoreboard on fire. He knows how to sit behind a great run game but he isn’t the guy to go pull a win out of the jowls of defeat. He’s not going to drive down the field with a minute left and get you those much needed clutch points. Not going to happen. I think the Pats frustrate the Browns run game in what should be a pretty ugly contest. Patriots by three.
Falcons at Cowboys: I’m really so over myself, the NFL, and everything. What the hell happened to the Boys last week against the Broncos? And how did people around me know that upset was coming? Two or three people close to me said it would be a trap game and fuck my socks off it was. I think the Cowboys bounce back even if the Falcons offense looks sharp, regardless of how frail Marty Ice looks. Can’t lie they have a lot of wrinkles in that game plan. Ultimately, I think the Cowboys just need to feed Zeke. Yes, Dak is sharp and electric in certain instances but Mr. Elliott is a generational talent. Cowboys by ten.
Panthers at Cardinals: Colt! God he’s still around, how great is that? Kyler hot seat? Always funny to make that joke ha ha ha. But seriously, the Cards are scary, scary. I wonder who called this happening at the beginning of the season. Yes, yes, let me brag a little. I love me. CMC was back and couldn’t put a band aid over Darnold’s lack of accuracy and gall. All I see is another blowout for the Cardinals who continue to put heads on their mantlepiece.
Vikings at Chargers: These Vikes, these goddamn Vikes. Can you tell my love for this team is growing and it makes zero sense. I just like how they make every game a toss up yet find a way to lose them by a field goal. It’s vintage, it’s classic Vikes, and I like it. This looks to be another competitive matchup with plenty of points that ends with Kirk and Co. losing in heart breaking fashion. The Chargers are weird, I don’t know how to rate them at all. Mike Williams has slowed down, Herbie is kinda getting figured out, and young Ekey only pops fantasy wise. I’m gonna get crazy here and say these damn Vikes LOSE by 3.
Seahawks at Packers: Russ could be playing which is a big relief, I was so over Geno Smith. So over all of it, really. Eye roll. What I’m not over is how much of a dickhead Rodgers is. Not over it. Handed me a big L last week in fantasy because of his absence and I take that personally. I fully expect him to come out and throw for 450 and 4 scores. I won’t take anything less, I just won’t. I’m very demanding, you know this. Packers win in dominant fashion. I like the secondary, too, so, yeah, I’m a cheesehead for this one.
Eagles at Broncos: So the Broncos lose a HoF caliber defensive player and then come out and put the clamps on the Boys? That’s sports. You know the locker room was looking to dump bodies after hearing all the hate from the media. I like the Broncos in this one because of that exact reason. They’re nasty and they’re feeling belittled. Nothing has been easy this season for them and I think they want to make others taste that medicine. Eagles run game is nonexistent and I doubt Hurts is able to make it happen this week. It’s just too predictable. Broncos by a touchdown.
Chiefs at Raiders: It’s time to hit the panic button. It’s been time to hit it (heheh hit it) I just didn’t want to believe it. I can’t wrap my head around how a guy who has thrown for over 50 touchdowns, has won an MVP, and a Super Bowl is all of the sudden just spiraling into mediocrity. I guess it’s true what they say, be careful who you surround yourself with. Not that I listen but still. Yes, I have no idea about his personal life, really, and I’m truly talking out of my ass, but am I wrong to point to that as the source of his failure? I don’t think so. Marriage changes people. A kid changes people. It can either propel you into growth or thrust you back into complacency. Sadly, I think the latter is happening. I have bad feelings around this matchup in Sin City. I think the Raiders run it down our throats (lmao) and we have no answer for it. We just take it (ok I’m done). I’m just being pessimistic to avoid any jinxing. That’s it.
Rams at 49ers: I think both of these teams feel touched up. Like a fight that leaves you wondering why you even exist. Is it just for the pain? Both have lost to the Cards, both are coming off a tough L, both are looking at Green Bay as the next big threat. What I’m saying is that these teams are feeling vulnerable and insecure. It’s going to be a rocking game but I see the Rams pulling out the dub. I believed in Jimmy G for half a game and look what happened. I’ll never fall for that beautiful face again. Rams by a tuddy.