NFL PICKS
Chiefs at Titans: The NFL is fickle, Jackson Mahomes is a doucher, the sky is blue, and good boys love their mothers. I’m glad that I’m starting this week's piece with some objectivity, God knows I’ve been missing it in my life. Curiously enough, I’m reaching God levels of delusion and that’s why I think the Chiefs win big on Sunday AND somehow manage to stop Tractorcito AKA King Henry AKA the scariest human being to ever run with a football (I think he wants both that rushing touchdown and rushing yards record *eye emoji*).
Washington at Packers: I STILL OWN YOU! I STILL FUCKING OWN YOU! @ anyone who feels like it. Something has gotten into Arod since week 1. It’s even changed me in a way. He’s still a surly bitch but maybe I’m starting to understand the depth of Mr. Rodgers. He’s more of a mad genius than I ever really realized. I heard all the pundits talk about the arm talent and the calls at the line and I would constantly draft him in fantasy. But still, I was obfuscated by his mumble grumble, I’m-too-cool-to-clean-my-own-ass vibe that I didn’t realize that he’s a goddamn lunatic who just loves making plays. Do I love Aaron? Perhaps. Perhaps now I’d kiss him a little…but only if he plays his cards right. Packers by a touchdown.
Bengals at Ravens: What did I say about Ravens at home? There’s just too much purple pride in the city of Baltimore, dammit. That being said, I like the Bungles this year. It hit me last week. I felt like things finally started humming for both that offense and defense. Burrow and Chase is an electric combination and the run defense is solid. The Sunday slate is sort of inconsequential this weekend if you look at it besides this game. I don’t think it will happen, but if the Bungles pull out the dub it’s time to start paying attention to the boys in dirty orange and black. Ravens by a field goal in what I think will be the game of the week.
Panthers at Giants: Not that I would ever bet for them because, cmon, who do you think I am? But that’s definitely the last time I ever even slightly believe in the G Men. Not even for fun. I won’t do it. 2021 has taught us not to betray ourselves even in the slightest, am I right? Right? Fuck, I forget, whole lotta sang woos in this motherfucka (but obviously not you, you’re precious like Kang Sae-Byeok). Panthers behind Chubita win in a close one since I also can’t muster a morsel of faith in Darnold.
Falcons at Dolphins: What Matt Ryan has always needed is a check down running back. He finally has that in Cordarelle Patterson who, by his own account, has always just needed a check down quarterback due to iffy hands. Also, is it time to start the Kyle Pitts/Calvin Johnson comparisons? ‘Tron might’ve been more powerful and heavier than Pitts but the young TE has undeniable raw athleticism and size. Yes, it was the Jets in London but I just can’t unsee the route running display. The Dolphins somehow managed to lose to the Jags even with Tua back in the lineup so I’m just gonna go ahead and call it as I see it: The Brian Flores Hot Seat Game. Falcons win and it’s officially head coach hunting season for the sea mammals.
Jets at Patriots: I’m not sure Bill Belichick can lose in Foxboro against the Jets. Like, I feel as if time and matter would just warp into each other. The only way the Jets can make this competitive is by actually using their best players (the rookie RBs) but that’s just never been a real option for an organization like the NYJ. It just doesn’t add up, ya know. Patriots dub behind a Mac Jones who is looking better and better every week. Careful now, we’ve seen what Bill can do with a flabby QB with a strong arm and the will not to make bonehead throws…
Eagles at Raiders: I guess the Raiders are still good at football. Who knew that losing a bigoted coach would actually help a locker room. So weird. Anyways, Carr keeps making the right throws and even though the run game isn’t amazing, it gets the job done in terms of just moving the chains. On the other hand, Hurts keeps showing that he’s good enough to keep the green birds in close games. I’d like to see Miles Sanders get more work as I think it would add some flexibility to the offense but I just don’t see the coaching out in Philly buying into logic and reason anytime soon. Raiders pull out the victory at home.
Lions at Rams: I feel for my man Swifty, I really, really do. His defense is dog water and his line still can’t get fully healthy but my guy keeps making head turning plays. Quietly one of the most exciting guys to watch after the catch and in the open field. Revenge game for Goff who will be waking up once again on his native west coast. Ya know, where the sun rises. Little draft day joke. Rams by many, many points. Sorry, Coach Campbell.
Bears at Buccaneers: I mean, what can we really say here. Tom is the front runner for the MVP. Playoff Lenny is regular season Lenny. Justin Shields is going to die being a bear. Hey, I guess, pay attention to Khalil Herbert. He had an exciting game last week and showed a lot of wiggle and lightning. Oh, and the Bears defense is sort of good, I guess. They still lose, so, Pirates by ten or more.
Texans at Cardinals: Yikes the Texans, yikes. This one will be a colossal rag dolling. The Cards are gonna put a gimp suit on the Texans and walk them around the neighborhood. The Adyton called these red hot Cards, not to brag or whatever. I think Deandre goes for two bucks if he’s even real anymore. Big cards win.
Colts at 49ers: The Colts are a mirage. They’re a goddamn fever dream that is making people think that they actually know anything about play calling. Wentz is going to disintegrate whenever Nick Bosa gets to him. And he’s gonna get to him. He’ll getcha. 49ers and El Deebo give sense to the world and win by 4 or more.
Saints at Seahawks: Sean Payton after a bye week and Geno Smith starting…that’s all you need to know. I think the Saints get Alvin all the touches he deserves and finally realize what the true center of the offense is. 12th man won’t be enough this week. Saints by three.