The Chiefs are losing to the Chargers. Real Madrid is losing to Sheriff Tiraspol. A Brazilian jiu jitsu coach tried to throw on me because I was dancing good. I traded away Najee Harris for Jonathan Taylor 10 days ago. You know me, uh, I'm, uh, just suicidal right now. Oh, and Ole is going to SHIT all over Ronaldo's time at Manchester United, mark my words. Low rent manager.
NFL PICKS
Titans at Jets: I've walked all around MetLife stadium in East Rutherford, NJ. I got to sit in the boxes where all the VPs from wall street drink. I've walked on the turf. I've see the locker rooms with all the gatorade and the equipment. It ruined my day. Titans run the ball 100 times and win 20-3.
Lions at Bears: Who did Matt Nagy suck? He had to - at one point - in the last 3 years suck someone. His mouth has been somewhere, at some point, with the direct stipulation being that he would keep his job. I don't know. It just doesn't make sense. How much money has this guy lost the Bears? Count it up and tell me if it adds up to Matt Nagy visored up going down on somebody. Anyways, I think the Lions win. I don't know. They're the Lions. I don't bet on those types of franchises.
Colts at Dolphins: Speaking of barnyard animals that should've been fired many years ago, who the fuck is play calling for the Colts? I don't even think the Colts have come up once on Redzone this year. It's sad but, lucky for them, they face the Dolphins who are banged up and not looking good at all on offense. It's a toss up in Miami but I think the Colts win.
Browns at Vikings: Myles Garrett was born in some QBs backfield. I think he gets to Kirk like nobody has this season. Too much talk about how Kirk can be that guy, he's not. I think the Browns play tough football and there's no solution to that. Browns win narrowly.
Washington at Falcons: This is going to be an ugly game. Quarterback play is subpar on both sides. Run game is subpar on both sides. I think Washington's defense makes the difference. Chase Young is a special talent. WFL win by more than 6.
Texans at Bills: Beat down of the week right here. The Texans are one step away from getting sent to the CFL. Might as well just trade Deshaun for whatever and get on with life. The Bills are a wagon and Josh Allen didn't forget how to throw downfield. Bills by a ton.
Giants at Saints: Ok, so I think that the Giants could actually give the Saints a game. The Saints don't have an identity from what I've seen and the Giants kind of have a QB in Daniel Jones. Don't forget that Saquon can always turn one loose for 60 yards and you might see my point. DOG OF THE WEEK.
Chiefs at Eagles: I don't even want to say, really. Last week was tough to watch. So many penalties, such bad tackling and coverage. Fuck it, I'm throwing the tape out and trusting Mahomes with my little heart. Let's eat some green birds this weekend.
Panthers at Cowboys: Cowboys have a playoff caliber team. They don't have the same sharpness as the 49ers, Bucs, Rams, or Seahawks but they're officially good. Nothing more, nothing less. I think this is a competitive game despite CMC being out a couple of weeks. Cowboys win by a field goal.
Seahawks at 49ers: It was fun to watch last weeks game at Levi stadium. It had been a while. There's something about that place that is so cool on SNF. This game is going to show the 49ers exactly how far they can go with Jimmy G. Last week was the perfect example of what I believe to be the truth: Jimmy G can compete in the big games, but he can't win them. He's not talented enough to draw out victories against other elite QBs. Seahawks win in a close one.
Cardinals at Rams: The Rams are scary with Stafford and that defense. You blink and the next thing you see is a Cooper Kupp drag route going all the way for six. Kyler is playing at monster levels, I just don't think he will have a solution for Donald. Add to this the fact that D-Hop will have Jalen shadowing him, and it's going to be a grueling day for Kyler. If he can find the answers, that will be a big statement to what he can do this year. Rams win this high scoring affair.
Steelers at Packers: So the more Aaron Rodgers looks like a white trash dude who lives off Velveeta and Miller Lite, the more he plays like a God. I've stopped trying to figure this dude out. Maybe Shailene is good for him. On the other side, I'm getting sad watching Ben. That line is awful, and just watching his skinny little legs try to hold up his fridge-like upper half is ruining my Sunday's. Packers stomp the yard.
Ravens at Broncos: Ravens looked shaky in the second half against the Lions. I think it's more a product of the boredom that the Ravens offense induces. Even Lamar felt like taking a nap. I think these Broncos will wake their ass up in what's going to be a gritty game in Denver. I can see the Broncos upsetting the Ravens.
Buccaneers at Patriots: Brady versus Belichick. The Homecoming. The master and the student. All the narratives are coming out on this one. I don't think it will be a close game, so I'm not too interested. I think Tom kicks the hell out of the Pats and then acts like he didn't mean to. Bucs by a lot.
Raiders at Chargers: Ok, jigs up. Time for the Raiders to go back to being bad because this is getting weird. It's like Jon Gruden was finally able to download his brain into Derek Carr. I don't like it. City's like Oakland and Las Vegas don't deserve good football teams. I play but, no, seriously, this is getting odd. They can get to opposing QBs and they keep their QB clean in the pocket. That's the recipe for success. Nonetheless, I'm going to say that Herbie pulls out a win in beautiful LA. Not that it would make me happy to see the Chargers be good (which this sort of win certainly does) but whatever.