He’s obnoxious as hell but I have to love him in a way. I grew up with him in church and his dad is close friends with my dad. They’re coming over for dinner tonight. The guy loves to talk and - to his credit - he talks about important subjects. He does it with creativity and loves to make a joke. It’s just that he only talks about profound topics -- and that’s the problem. The problem is that nobody can bear only talking about matters that pertain to existentialism, biology, metaphysics, theology, philosophy, love, pain, and death. It’s too much and sometimes we just want to relax, turn on a movie featuring Vince Vaughn, throw over a comfortable blanket that your brother’s ex-fiance gave you, and gloss over a few hours of time without much energy expenditure. He does make up for it by sharing my sense of humor. His sense of humor alleviates those awkward moments we share whenever we both become cognizant of the fact that he’s touched the bottom of conversation through unadulterated explorative force. His sister and some of her friends had this joke that his life is the “Truman Show” and I half believe them. I half believe them because of how he’s able to paint his life into words. It's why he's a friend of sorts and why his sense of humor hits home with me. I’ve thought about it a great deal and the mystery is all but gone. He has an elaborate vocabulary and is able to depict the actions of himself and others through this cinematic lens. It’s attention-grabbing to an extent, but also makes you question how truly enlightening all of his character is. I think that he especially does a great job at putting himself in precarious situations - that’s all. After almost a decade of knowing him, I think that I’m comfortable putting it into those terms now. He acts aloof to a lot of his own characteristics and traits. For example, he has this look and demeanor that allows him to blend into any environment. It’s not as noteworthy as it sounds, however. It’s more like he has this determination to never be confused by any situation at all times. Think about that, kind of pathetic. He’s one of those people that never write speeches or prepare for interviews simply because of unbridled confidence. But still, I can’t deny, he’s able to blend in wonderfully into a lot of contexts and environments that most of us don’t have access to. He speaks multiple eastern European languages, has an aggressive physique (although he’s barely 5’6”), and somehow manages to keep the attention of attractive men (although he denies that any man or woman would ever find him sexy). These factors all come together and create a finished product that does seem to be controlled by TV producers. “The Truman Show” joke also stems from the fact that he puts himself in these extreme situations 95% of the time, as stated earlier. Like, one time he was working at this Subway and he made a connection with a guy in the MS-13. I guess that he started selling this guy his older sister’s Percocet prescription and they became pretty good acquaintances. One thing led to another and he ended up being the guest of honor at a couple of MS-13 barbecues and parties. Like, he was totally relaxed and working with them while going to some half-rate private catholic high school near North KC. Nobody would’ve ever suspected he lived that sort of life outside of his highly sheltered school. His MS-13 buddy was paralyzed in a drive-by our senior year and he stated that “he knew that shit would happen.” I guess he did sort of predict some of the events in his life -- especially romantic ones. For instance, he dated this guy who he heavily, heavily suspected was married. He dated this college teacher for close to a year and, you guessed it, the whole situation imploded horribly when the wife confronted both of them at a Chili’s in Winnetonka. Still, he acted so calmly while all of it happened. He just reminded us that a year prior he had already warned us that the whole situation would end in “phoenix chaos.” After a few months went by and it was all over and the dust had settled, we asked him why he stayed with him for so long while he knew all the bullshit going on behind the scenes. He just replied, “I wanted to see how far he was willing to go. There is something that makes me very happy in knowing that someone is lying to me while I know the truth. I’ll confront them about pieces of evidence that aren’t even pertinent while I keep the true dirt to myself. It’s a private play, and I’m both the playwright and audience.” Exactly, the dude creates these alternate worlds where he’s the rogue who always comes out the other end unscathed and just a little bit wiser but with less emotional capacity. When we were in high school and college it was like, “Oh, wow, he really does have crazy shit happening in his life, it’s almost like he can predict what’s going to happen. Why do these things happen to him?” Now it’s more like, “I bet he gets whatever it is that he truly wants, then, somehow, it ends up disappointing him, which makes us all laugh.” I can hear him and his dad upstairs taking off their boots as my dad takes their jackets. I go up to greet him and he asks, “Hey, dude, do you happen to know the VP at Lockton Companies?” I didn’t, so he continued, “well, I might be getting a pretty sweet job there after doing all that accounting freelance work for the last year.” He leans in a little, smirks, and says, “could be making close to 125k a year.” Before I can even congratulate him he asks me, “so do you know Tyler Chancellor? I’m pretty sure you went to school with him, so you should know him.” I reply that I do. He then says, “oh, well, I’ve been texting him and wanted to see what you know about him. I know he’s insanely hot and way out of my league but I thought you could help.” I look at him and I feel like someone has put an ice pick through my nerve endings. He’s become desire incarnate and I don’t know how I can stop myself from breaking my neck while going back down the stairs.