She told me to never work at a car dealership because everyone there does coke, has kids, and can't stop fucking. She recently moved to Las Vegas and I'm going to go visit her this weekend. She says that she's not doing very well. She says that she hasn't managed to do better than when we worked together at the car dealership. She means a lot to me and represents a big part of my romantic life. There is a feeling of naivety whenever she comes up that makes me feel alive. I like how I feel embarrassed and young and cringe because of her. She's apathetic about almost everything. The way she flirted with me and the way she handled those sales calls all had that same tone of disinterest and critical wisdom. It's what drew me to her. I felt that she had a primitive knowledge of human interaction that helped ease some of my deepest anxieties. Watching her smoke cigarettes down at the creek while we took our lunch break was both a spiritual and voyeuristic experience for me. She breathed a certain life into me which now puts me in debt to her forever. She would hate it if I truly thought about it in those terms, but it's what I feel to a certain extent. That's why I'll be driving like a mad man this evening on my way to Sin City. I know that she's more broken than ever and, although I expected this, I can't help but feel distraught by it all. I realize that I can't do much to heal the deeper pain. All I can offer are the handful of little triggers that I know capture her imagination and distract her from all of the bullshit. Small gestures and conversational points that aren't bounced away by her reserved, skeptical nature. These are precise aspects of my personality that she quietly adores. She loves to be enveloped by the streams of imagination and adventure that we kick up together. She used to say she couldn't believe I was real, or that I was younger than her. She once even stopped talking to me for a while, only to later confess to having done it with the intent of seeing what it would feel like to detox and then binge on me again. As I said, there is a foundation of romance between our friendship that has left an indelible mark on me. Nonetheless, I now have this feeling as if she's going to disappear into thin air. I guess I'll find out more about this feeling during the course of the weekend. I'll find out about it while we both sip on vodka lemonades and play blackjack. I'll find out about it while she hugs me and tells me about her crush who is a medical student. I'll find out about it while the fountains at the Bellagio dance. I'll find out about it while we're locked away in the bathroom with foreign971. I'll find out about it after two bottles of cheap wine from CVS. I'll find out about it during the afterparty at the designer's mansion. I'll find out about it while we both get erased by something that neither of us can point to.